Before I begin this I must announce the following are not complaints. These are facts directly related to my child and only my child. I purely would like to document my experience so that one day when LC calls me to tell me about her experiences as a mom with the child that is exactly like her (because I prayed, oh I will pray that she will have one EXACTLY like her) I can pull this little ditty out of the archives and say, "Here you go. Proof."
Myth #1: Babies need naps
I would like to publicly go on record as a mom and let those who have the misconception that all babies need sleep know this is NOT, in fact, the case. I thought foolishly that babies, based on what I've heard from other moms, actually nap so you can do things like shower, clean house, do laundry, apply makeup, read. But...OH NO.
This is not necessarily true and it definitely is not a given. I would like to gouge a hole squarely in your bubble right now and let you know that this may not be the case for your child. LC personally does everything in her power as a tiny human to avoid this thing called "sleep", including but not limited to: throwing her paci out of the crib, throwing her blanket out of the crib, throwing her paci AND blanket out of the crib, standing up and shaking herself as she holds onto the railing, eating the side railing of her bed as if she is a beaver and building a tiny little habitat somewhere nearby, beating on the wall yelling "knock knock, MAMA!" and the wailing. Oh, the wailing. IF...and I say IF she does sleep, its for a verra verra short time and she is good to go. Truly happy even so I'm not inclined to even disbelieve her evident lack of need for sleep. And she is a great sleeper at night so, alas, I will be grateful for that.
Myth #2: Babies sleep in the car
Annnnnnnnnd directly related to that lack of sleep in her bed, there is also a seriously lack of sleeping in the car. EVERY - and I mean EVERY - only child under the age of 2 that I have ever personally known (did you catch that disclaimer that I just threw in there? Huh? Huh?) gets in the car and it is lights out if you drive more than 20 minutes. BAH! Lies...Lies I tell you. When we drove to Memphis a few months back I heard Mama. Mama. Mama. for FOUR HOURS straight before she fell asleep approximately 15 minutes from our destination. I tried not to even breathe for the entire 15 minutes. I would have passed out gladly from holding my breath if that weren't prohibitive for good and safe driving. Just saying.
Myth #3: Diaper Duty Can Be Equal
Let me tell you a funny thing about Diaper Duty. And I say this with full acknowledgment that DW is a helpful husband in this way and every way really. He is a great Dad. The words, "I'll take her, Bud. You've changed all her diapers today..." DO leave his mouth on a regular basis. But let me tell you a little something...
...all diapers are not created equal. And there is a God in heaven with a serious sense of humor.
Let me just give you a for instance. LC had a stomach bug the other day. I'll leave the exact details to your imagination but it included more diapers than normal over the course of several days and, it just so happened, that the eagle always seemed to land when I was standing the closest or it just made the most sense somehow for me to change her. I've got a nose that one might call a Smeller (with a capital "S). I have gagged and dry heaved over many a diaper in my day. It's as if my nostrils have radar on foreign smells whereas DW has a close range (lower case "S") sniffer. The only way, for the most part, that he smells a dirty diaper is if LC is close enough to crop dust his face. And I believe him. I know this to be true and I know he isn't just pretending for diaper avoidance reasons.
So the other day I pick LC up and groan, "Ohhhh no! For REALZ?" to which DW calls from the kitchen, "What happened?"
Nothing really... I
say whine, This is just the eleventy-hundredth dirty diaper of the day and almost all of them have been poop.
And then he said the most beautiful words I may have ever heard.
"Well here, Bud, give her to me. I can't smell anything anyway." Not only does he have that lower case sniffer I mentioned, he also had a head cold that prevented anything smell-wise from getting through. I felt grateful..beyond grateful to him for his offer and promptly took him up on it, feeling a little sorry for him based on LC's recent "deliveries". Just a little.
I handed her off and was walking down the hall a few seconds later, thanking my lucky stars, when I heard DW chuckling to himself. I stopped dead in my tracks, knowing something was amiss.
What are you laughing at? I ask.
Nothing. he replies, the laughter still in his voice.
No, seriously... I say.
No, seriously... he repeats. You don't want to know.
Yes, yes I do. I for sure do now. What are you laughing at? I'm already walking in the room to investigate for myself and DW straight up starts to laugh out loud at what he knows is coming. I walk over to where DW is changing LC, lean over his shoulder, and look at her diaper.
Instead of the types of diapers I'd been changing for days, DW is rewarded with 3 tiny Milk Duds, if you will. WHICH HE CAN'T EVEN SMELL.
There is no way that one should even count! I emphatically exclaim. You could just flick those puppies right out and keep going...I want you to suffer!!!!
It counts! he proudly replies, laughing with just a tinge of joy and wiggles his eyebrows at me before he gleefully repeats: OH, it counts.
This. This is motherhood. There are so many amazing, wonderful fantastic things about it but there are plenty of humbling, surprising, and funny things as well. Good and "bad", I wouldn't change a minute of it. Well, except I wish DW would get more than Milk Duds. Just sayin.