Man, I'm long overdue for an update but life has been really busy all of the sudden. My dad came into town late last week and helped LC and I do a fast and furious road trip to Texas for the weekend. I can't tell you how much I loved that time with my family or how much it filled my heart to see how much LC loves my parents. The second her eyes popped open in the mornings, her first words were Aish (Ace)? Gee? over and over until we went and found them. And even though we are home now, she's still asking where they are. I keep saying, They're in Texas, baby...and she is starting to say, Aish? Gee? Tey-biz...which I guess is her version of Texas. It's pretty stinking precious.
In the middle of all of that, I turned 25...errrrrr, I mean, 35 which just royally freaks me out. I'm not one of those people that gets stuck on a number or anything but, for some reason, 35 seems far too close to my 40's for my liking. I'm still a teenager in my heart and feel like my age should properly reflect that fact. ;-) DW, who is a month and a half younger than me, actually said to me on my birthday, "Did you realize that 35 means you're halfway to 70? Wow, that's impressive!" If I was a little less crazy about the man and he didn't make me laugh so much, I might have given him a haymaker to his babymaker right then and there. Good thing I do love him so much.
I have a million photos I could share about what we've been up to because, goodness, my phone is full of them...however, now some news show about how stalkers can trace your children through the photos you post online has me so flipped out and I've spent the last several days trying to talk myself off of the ledge. The first day I watched it I was prepared to delete every single social media account I own.
Tonight, LC and I had a little mini-photoshoot in our driveway and I couldn't help but think how appropriate it was that she is wearing a heart on her shirt today. For one, the child owns more of mine every day. But also, it's appropriate because LC seems to have just blossomed when it comes to being affectionate. I can't even tell you how far we have come in that area in particular and recently she's started saying, "Wuv yew..." (love you) without being prompted. There isn't a single member of our family that those two words can't just melt into a puddle on the floor.
I experienced a huge milestone today as a Mom and, I'm not gonna lie, I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes as I write this. I couldn't not write down this special day of our journey together.
As LC and I were playing on the floor of her bedroom tonight, she looked at me and got the strangest look on her face. I looked back at her, puzzled as to why she was suddenly so intently focused on me. Slowly she stood up, never taking her eyes off of me, and then almost shyly walked over to me. I was still wondering what she was up to at this point but it wasn't long before she clarified it for me.
Keesh. she said.
What, baby? I ask, trying to clarify.
Keesh, she said, more intently and this time she raised her little dimpled chin and leaned in toward me, each hand resting lightly on one of my shoulders.
Ohhhhh, KISS! I say, understanding just a moment before she places her tiny little lips on mine.
Keesh, she repeats, smiling. Everything LC says still sounds little French.
I laugh, seriously just out of the crazy amount of sheer delight pumping through my veins and she smiles back at me, pleased that I'm pleased. It was literally impossible not to feel the burn of hot tears behind my eyes. Another moment to add to the checklist of things I never thought I would experience in this lifetime.
There are days I don't think I deserve this. LC. The gift of being a mother. I mean, I love her so much there are many, many times I literally ask God how He could possibly love me so much that He would have looked the whole world over for the right Mom - and He still chose me. That dumbfounds me that I'm, in any way, worthy of this or her. I'm sorry if that sounds cheesy or not genuine in some way but it's the truth. I have some good qualities but I also intimately know my negative ones and I just can't fathom His love and grace for me...that He would somehow find me worthy.
I really don't get it. I look at LC sometimes and see DW in her features and expressions. Other times, I see a picture where are features look identical (or she acts sassy) and I literally see a tiny version of myself. It feels impossible to wrap my mind around the fact that she wasn't ever mine. There are many, many moments where I don't know how its possible that she didn't grow inside of my body for nine months...but then I remember. I did labor for her. I just did it differently...I did it through millions and millions of prayers and tears.
She is flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone, because God created every detail about her for us. Including that identical birth mark we share just in case I ever doubt His sovereignty in this whole thing.
And if that wasn't enough gushiness for one post...
DW called me a little while ago to check in since he was having to work late and I put him on speaker so that he could tell LC goodnight. I love you, baby! he said and, without missing a beat, LC replied back, "Wuv yew, Gaggy."
Love you, Daddy. Clear. as. a. bell. Music to my ears, another shot of good medicine to my soul.
"Did you hear that?" I gasped and when I translated what she had said, DW replied, "No way."
"Yes, way. She totally did!" I confirm, choking up a little.
"That was SO sweet, LC!" I say, joyfully and maybe with a little squeal of delight. "You are such a SWEET girl."
Weet. she repeats in her soft voice, smiling as she stares deeply into my eyes.
Yes. Yes she is.
Today, maybe more than any other day that has come before it...my cup overflows.