So there I was, standing in front of LC's school in nothing but my flesh-colored bra...
Oh wait. I guess I need to back up a little and explain how I got to one of the most embarrassing moments I've had in motherhood - or life - so far. And that's saying something since I manage to unintentionally get myself into awkward situations like its my day job.
Both of my Tuesday clients cancelled their sessions last night so I happily deactivated my alarm before bed and joyously embraced the opportunity to sleep in a little this morning. As things go, I seriously underestimated how long I had dozed after DW left for work and, when I looked at the clock, I quickly determined that I was running behind to get LC ready for "scoo". I flung back the covers and ran to the kitchen to make her/our breakfast and then I went and woke her up. She and I scarfed our breakfast down, I got her dressed and then proceeded to make her lunch that included such staples as raspberries, "am-inal cackers" (animal crackers), cheese, and yogurt melts. Normally I take time to make sure she's getting all the quality food groups and a protein but, no, not this morning. I rapidly packed her school bag and would only later realize I hadn't even remembered to pack my child's sippy cup. Water? Who needs that anyway?
From there, I threw my hair that is at-least-one-day-too-overdue-for-a-wash up in a hat - to be dealt with later - pulled on a pair of jeans and flip flops and then zipped on a track jacket over my bra, not taking the time to put on a shirt because, I thought, I'll be right back and who has time for important details like that when you're running behind anyway. Makeup-less and carrying a child whose hair seriously needed to be brushed, I rushed to the car, buckled LC in and drove to the church where LC attends MDO.
Now, let me back up briefly for a moment here.
Lately, LC has gotten into that stranger-danger phase but also wants to be paid attention to. For instance, if we are at the grocery store and someone is nearby, she will lean into their line of sight, wave, and say "Hiiii...", drawing out the word as we Southerners tend to do. But when they actually turn to look at her, she immediately goes all mute and shy and avoids eye contact. A lot of times, when they start trying to draw her out of her shell, the only thing she can think to tell them is "Mommy" or "My Mama" as she points to me. Almost as if she's reassuring herself that I'm there as well as telling them not to mess with her, I've got her back.
When she's in my arms and this happens, she doesn't usually point at me, I've learned. Instead, she says, "my mama" and proceeds to stick her tiny hand down the middle of my shirt where my cleavage (if I had any) would be. I try to casually remove her hand from down my shirt as I avoid further eye contact with the person. The time this happened while a man was talking with us was SO awkward...but I know what's coming now so I've learned how to avoid that mild embarrassment.
Well, fast forward to the present and LC's newest obsession is zipping. She loves to play with all the zippers on the diaper bag most often and because I'm almost always wearing the same black track jacket in the mornings after work, she regularly zips and unzips my jacket...which isn't a problem when, OH YOU KNOW, you're ACTUALLY WEARING A SHIRT.
Which...I wasn't this morning.
I unload her from the car, adjust my hat so that's its covering the maximum amount of face and hair possible without looking like I think I'm some hood rat, and then grab her school bag in my free hand. Since she was in my left arm and her bag was in my right hand, this left me vulnerable and it's as if her little mind sensed that very fact and beckoned her...
...now is the time to make your move, my child...
And she did. Just as I take that last stair to the entrance of the school and make eye contact to smile at the sweet, well-put together administrator that helped us enroll, it happens.
ZIP. Or shall I say, UN-ZIP. Because, why yes, that would be a much more accurate detailing of events.
Immediately, I know exactly what happened but I jerk my head down in mortification to confirm it anyway. Indeed, the fastest unzipping in the
West South had just happened and I knew this beyond a shadow of a doubt when I felt the cool fall breeze hit my suddenly exposed chest.
My smile faltered and the Church Administer's perfectly made-up face only faltered momentarily before she politely averted her eyes, pretending not to notice what had just happened.
Only who could miss that my jacket was unzipped down to my belly button OR the fact that, there I was, standing there in front of the entrance to the school with both hands full and my unattractive, flesh-colored, ill-fitting and OB.vi.OUSLY padded bra exposed?!?!
I dropped LC's school bag like it was on fire, managed to zip my jacket back up at lightning speed...all the while cursing myself for not thinking that one all the way through.
If it were a movie, I caught myself thinking, this would have only happened to that mother with the perfect C cups in a stylishly lacy bra that matches her designer shirt. This would NOT have happened to the mother who is barely out of bed, pads herself every morning because she has the upper body of a 12 year old boy and was wearing gym clothes.
My face burned as I continued into the building, dropped LC off and returned to my car, smiling at the adminstrator who, on my way out, said in a sing-song voice, "Well, have a nice day..."
And that, my friends, is how my day started. How about yours?